Week One

The next morning was different. I had a brilliant idea. Instead of auntie I would be.... the nanny.
I helped the kids get ready with all the patience in the world because when you are a nanny you don’t yell. You are working for someone to keep the children cared for and the house clean. I worked hard and had things under control before school began and before I had responsibilities to complete for my actual job. I stayed on top of the laundry and fixed dinner. I made an afterschool treat for the kids to come home to and was just happy. I hadn’t felt that joy at home for as long as I can remember. I had always had feelings of guilt and regret. Regret that the last words I ever spoke to them before school or before bed were negative and harsh. We were always rushed and I didn’t have time for them.

My mind started to race as I made all kinds of new connections. If I was a nanny, I couldn’t complain about the house, it wasn’t mine. If I was a nanny I would get to have days off and a quitting time. If I was a nanny I would have a life outside to enjoy. If I was a nanny there would not be a toddler bed in my room. If I was a nanny I wouldn’t drive a minivan, that was now a work vehicle but important to treat with care since it wasn’t mine.

I began to see everything differently. My perspective had changed dramatically. I asked my husband for a meeting so we could go over my responsibilities as nanny. He chuckled and said well since we live together, I’m sure that can be arranged. (I know I'm taking things a little to the extreme but I’m a very black or white type of person. I was also a theatre major in college and so this isn't really a stretch for me, to take on a new persona.)

I quickly realized having the kids call me Stephanie was uncomfortable. I just thought of the word “Mom” as my new name. I had never before had success telling myself not to yell and then following through for more than the first encounter. But I didn’t yell for the rest of the week! My self esteem had improved dramatically as I found I could keep myself in check. I had patience beyond my ability and loved life. I looked forward to the day because I was challenging myself, seeing how long I could keep up the charade. The amazing thing is that other than my best friend who called the idea genius and my husband, no one knew I was playing a game.

I couldn’t hold it in and I shared my new found secret of motherhood with a few other women. One commented how she really didn’t want to be the nanny she hated cleaning up after them. Another gave me the insight of why it was working so well, she said that the kids were hurting me so the separation I put between us was a means of protecting myself. That was exactly it. Placing space between my kids and I mentally gave me protection. I didn’t take anything personally because, they weren’t my kids.

I didn’t break up their fights, I didn’t nag them to clean, I didn’t ask them about their homework. It felt so good. The homework got done, there were no major crises and I was happy.