This one might do it

I spent all day every Saturday in December with my theater family. Specifically the March family. We brought Louisa May Alcott's story of Little Women to life for audiences of eager theater goers. It was a fabulous way to celebrate the holiday season. As part of the experience I initiated a secret Santa project where each cast member chose a name from a hat and were asked to bring one gift each Saturday- preferably homemade. On the last performance day which happened to be Christmas Eve we revealed our identities. My secret Santa also happens to be gifted with the talent of Tarot reading and -with my permission- gave me a reading! I couldn't be more thrilled. (On my journey I have found the ideals of minimalism extremely appealing so I would much rather receive an experience than a thing.) It was a perfect gift. After my reading we got into a discussion about how he learned to use the cards and exactly what he does to prepare to do one. His words were almost exactly how I have heard men in the LDS church describe how they prepare to give a priesthood blessing! It was a light bulb moment for me. It is all the same thing. Both tarot cards and the priesthood power are vehicles to access enlightenment or God's will or whatever you want to label it. You don't have to be male or of a certain age or "worthy". You just have to be open and quiet and listening. I know this is true. I know I don't have to pray to get personal revelation. I can receive answers through meditation, when balancing my chakras, or washing the dishes. We all have so much power within ourselves. To be told blessings can only be obtained through strict obedience to a plethora of rules and certain ordinances is simply not true. You don't have to go to church, abstain from alcohol, read scriptures, get married, have a family, love everyone, try hard. Shit you don't have to do anything to be blessed. We are worth it. One of my friends once told me even if I had no children and/or never made any money in this life -I would still be worth it. Damn right I would. We are all enough.

Feeling Powerful

Villians at the Village

My spiritual journey is finally moving. For the past 18 months I've left religion alone and really just focused on learning how to be a coffee and alcohol consuming adult. But I've been unintentionally gleaning from the minds of the balanced women around me. Last week was filled with an urgency to find my authentic self. So I reached out to five women all who run their own businesses (although that is far from appealing to me at this point), have glowing countanences, make everyone around them feel valued and absolutely know who they are. And they all responded to my plea for guidance! I now have reading material enough to get me well into next year and I know answers will be sought and found. I'm just looking to find my purpose and passion in this life. I'm pretty sure all I need to do is stop and listen. If only I didn't live with 6 other people maybe I could hear myself breathe. I'm looking forward to deep conversations, aha moments, living mindfully, meditating, meeting new people, and yoga classes.

Perfection

Because tomorrow is the day.

One of the things I lost when leaving the church was a clearly defined path. And without a demanding work schedule I find myself idle and drifting, often unmotivated. So recently I've tried out all these little weird ideas. Last week it was a rotation of 20 minutes each with a focus on different roles such as: self, wife, mother, student and so on. Twenty minutes seemed the perfect amount of time to not get stuck or bored. I really liked it for a couple of days but honestly routines just don't stick very well with me.

I also have tried emulating people. Using the WW_D formula plugging in different people I admired. This morning I tried to think who I might want to be as I was getting dressed and I realized I'm not that terrible of a person to be. So I tried on my favorite fall three-quarter length tshirt and jeans and thought about the traits that make up my unique personality. The first thing to stick out I hadn't thought of for awhile- I'm a perfectionist. Sure you wouldn't be able to tell that from a peak into my living room from the front porch or from a sample of my handwriting well shit nothing I do resembles perfect but I definitely have a vision of the ideal and when I'm feeling zealous I attempt to make things just so. I like to do things the right way. I know it seems silly but I do believe there is a right way to do just about everything from folding shirts to driving to bathing to making a cup of joe to spelling words. And this girl likes to be shown the right way. Most things only need one round of instruction but as they say- knowing is half the battle. I love to scan Pinterest for how tos and secret life hacks. I can vividly remember my mom showing me how to dry off after a shower. Flipping your hair over, working from head to toe, one leg at a time and finishing with a tight turban. I should've taught my kids maybe then the bath mat wouldn't be so squishy and the floor might be dry after they use it. Ah-probably not.

The second thought to this sequence was why don't I do things perfectly? The answer is I have too many things to do. I can't invest the time to do each thing as good as I know how. I simply can not give two fucks about most of the tiny tasks that envelop my day with 5 children, a husband and school. And I am fully aware most people find themselves in the same situation with thousands of decisions to make- most in a split second everyday. I've come to appreciate the ability to let go of ....most everything.

So we do our best and delegate as much as we can, satisfied with mediocre as long as the job gets done. And slow down on occasion to focus on the present and put in an A+ effort.

And maybe it isn't perfectionism at all- maybe it's a preference for situations I can control. So when life gets paralyzingly overwhelming I can be found untangling my necklaces or dumping out the junk drawer or refolding my disheveled clothes or finishing another season of Shameless.

How sad

                                                                 Photo Credit: Ashton Cooper          

It seems the right time to post again. It's somewhat like a "ruben timer". I just feel it. It's time to flip the sandwich.

So, I've been home for about a week and a half. Last week Troy and I started a new job together. There is a new building in Star. It is an urgent care with nine exam rooms, a break room, a couple of offices, desks, a small lab, xray. It's super easy to clean and only takes us about an hour. It is so nice to do something that takes absolutely no prep, no thinking, no human interaction. It's comparable to mowing the lawn. It's an uninterrupted music sesh. I must say I love it. It provides for Louie's kinder tuition and, if a spot should become available, Ashton's parkour.

They say if you want something done ask a busy person. Well, don't ask me to do anything. I have an inappropriate, mature, R-rated show to binge on Netflix, I have cookies to make and eat, I have homework to procrastinate, I have long showers to take and life to contemplate. I haven't taken up napping -yet.

There are actually a lot of benefits to being an unemployed mom. I am home when the kids are. I get to supervise them, while they are occupied in their bedrooms or otherwise in the neighborhood, from the comfort of my couch. I've come to enjoy tutoring them on math and life. I am thrilled I can make their ortho, med, and well check appointments any day at any time and be able to take them- except for today. I am making dinner and cleaning but I am not busy- all the kids are gone and six hours isn't enough to indulge in me time. I think I've died and gone to heaven. (Funny- money is still an issue up here.)

There are other perks to being rid of the association with a preschool program. I can have my FaceBook, and my blog for that matter, back to myself. It may seem weird but, I'm pretty sure everyone who contemplates signing their kids up for a program, looks up the instructor. I felt like I had to be careful of what I posted. It felt like a restriction and we all know how I feel about being restrained. Hence the somewhat drunk sounding post from Sunday night's concert venue. Carefree. Beware of cursing I might not feel like editing. Consider yourself warned.

I was talking to a friend recently who was confiding in me about some PTs (past transgressions) and she made the comment that these things are something she wouldn't have felt comfortable talking about while she was in the situation. I immediately thought of how my blog couldn't be any more in the present. This shit is real and happening right now.

And onto my spiritual journey. I woke up this morning with a recollection of last night's dream. My brother-in-law was married to someone different and we were at my in-laws house. It was General Conference weekend (when the Prophet and others give council to the Mormon church from Utah and it is broadcast on television it only happens twice a year) and my mother-in-law was trying not to cause any uncomfortable situations and so she didn't turn on the TV. Ironically that made me feel more uncomfortable because I knew she really wanted to watch what the leaders of the LDS church were going to reveal to their more faithful members. I told her not to worry about me and that she should turn it on. But I was sure to let her know I hadn't changed my mind and said "I still think it's a crock of shit." I looked at my sister-in-law not sister-in-law and asked her the question that got me where I am today. "Do you think you are better than me? Do you think by doing certain things you are somehow more loved by God?" I didn't allow her to answer and said "Don't you think God loves all of his children?" Then an image of the world burning came to my brain and I saw myself engulfed in flames but I wasn't the least bit scared. People on earth have been burned alive- it happens. What ever is going to happen will happen. I refuse to live in fear. I was somewhat surprised that my dreams weren't of a different perspective. After all the years I spent as a devout Mormon I assumed the paths my neuro transmitters took would be for the other team, of a more religious nature. There was once when I was speaking to my sister-in-law that I wavered and it crossed my mind that by voicing my opinion I wouldn't ever be able to renege and would be cast out no matter what. It's so odd how something once so dear could become so silly to me now. So I will continue on my path to seek ways to connect to the deeper parts of myself. I consider myself agnostic at this point but open. I'm looking to feel approval of my decisions from a bigger source however I'm not really sure that that even matters. I'm the one that has to live with whatever consequences come and those are usually pretty obvious even before one makes the choice.

Still as contradictory and unpredictable as ever. You can call me Stephanie.

I know one day this post will embarrass me but for now it's raw

I'm not sure what possessed me to want to share my struggles this way. Perhaps it is the simple fact that I  am an "attention whore".

I find that I can't do two things for very long. I can't mother and work at the same time. I'm just not good like that. I left my job teaching snotty nosed preschoolers the fundsmentals of drama. I'm not sure why. I believe it was the unnerving stress. I was consistently at the mercy of the business. It controlled me, ruled me, was with me the way heavy debt will cling to you and go for a ride on your back until you can get rid of it. Now I find myself questioning my worth. What am I good at? What do I have to offer? I'm not skilled or educated and worse yet I don't want to work. I want to be there for my kids more. I don't want the guilt associated with my absense. Is that unrealistic though?

Is it simply the fact that I can't seem to change my ideal to what is reality? I don't want to work- I took the baby train to nowhere and now I feel the place I'm most qualified is at home. Do you know what it feels like to work for minimum wage? Like shit. Especially when you're pushing 40. Now I sound like an ungrateful human (to say the least). What have I done?

What I really crave, more than money, is peace. As I typed those words I realized the two are inseparately linked.

I'm lost once again. From my brief plight with ShiningStars I don't think I want to teach at all. I don't know what I want to be. I'd honestly rather crawl in a hole and die. Yes, I know I'm dramatic. Which I think the experience may also have ruined acting for me. The weird thing is I'm damn good at what I was doing. It was just so uncomfortable. I think I made a huge mistake. Edit for clarification: The ShiningStars job was NOT a minimum wage gig, it was legit.Then there is Troy who always knows what to say, "It's okay. What's done is done. Don't look back." And "if it had been set up differently from the beginning I think you would've done just fine."

So onwards and upwards. I feel like I'm stripping myself back to nothing again and that I better be the best damn mom and wife and part time student the world has ever seen- why else would I deserve the luxury of voluntary unemployment?

I'm also wanting guidance. I've been conditioned to follow rules, a path, a plan and right now I can't seem to find one for the life of me. I've been pretending to be my grandma the last couple days hence the no make up FB post. I know it sounds weird but I thought maybe if I simplify things I could be happy. So I've put down my phone probably 50% more than usual, I made sure there was not a dish in the sink (immediately following dinner instead of after watching a show), I've been wearing my glasses and going sans earrings. I know it's strange but I'm grasping for the calm and PEACE she exudes. I just want to feel whole. I want to love myself and know that I am enough- but how? I'll gladly take suggestions.

Trigger warning: If you find yourself easily offended turn back now

Birthday shenanigans

In my former days I had closed many a book, walked out of a live production, turned off the tv, changed the radio station, ended friendships, ended relationships, put distance between myself and family members, avoided certain places, avoided certain people and even asked a professor to make an exception for me in a lit class.

Last month I attended a lecture at BSU. The speaker spoke of trigger warnings. I had never heard of the term so I had yet to form an opinion. At first I thought well maybe that's a kind gesture to give warning to readers -discretion is advised. Trigger warnings could be compared to well meaning friends who try to help you keep the standards you've exclaimed you are required to live. For example I was warned about OITNB. I've been excluded from get togethers because I wasn't a drinker. Well meaning but when you dive into the subject of trigger warnings you realize they are only producing an illusion of safety.

And as I watched football with Troy today I became angry again. Angry that I don't want to work, that I don't have endurance for work, that I wasn't taught how important and necessary it is to work. I am capable of so much but I never thought I'd have to do it. Surrounded by Mormon women whose husbands finished school and got real good jobs so they could stay home and craft and create and be fun moms. They were my role models. They were my unattainable inspiration for life. After all it was my job to nurture the children, that was what the Lord had asked me to do. And I didn't fight it. I had faith we'd make it on one income. I knew if we paid a full tithe we would miraculously have enough to cover the bills everything would be alright if we were keeping the pluthora of commandments. I thought motherhood was the hardest thing and I was going to try my best to be the best. Ha! Motherhood alone is easy. Being a working mom is fucking hard. However, everyone does it. That is how life is. Why did I believe I shouldn't have to help provide for our brood? And my hours may total 40+ but at least I'm at home for a lot of those. No I currently don't have to work nights or weekends. This job will eventually be financially beneficial (or so I've been told). I just struggle with finding a balance and I'm angry because I feel way behind. I have friends that have been teaching for years, friends who have retirement funds and important positions and education and lots of skills. Yes- I can make bread from scratch and multi task like a boss but come on those are not serious transferable skills. I wasn't prepared for plan B. I thought my only job was to have babies and care for them. I understood that "the most important work I would ever do would be within the walls of my own home" meant I was to be present there as much as possible, I believed that was what I was born to do- be a mom. So I didn't learn marketable skills and I never attempted to get a real job or finish my college education until now. I know lots of people have walked this path before me but I hope my children don't follow me. I hope they figure out who they are before they bring children into their lives. I hope they learn how to work and find good jobs they enjoy. I guess that's essentially what I'm doing- teaching my kids by example.

Back to the term trigger warnings. Keeping you from seeing or reading something that might be offensive is creating an illusion of safety. You will not always get a fair warning before something horrifying falls in your lap. I realized a long time ago LIFE  is R rated! So with all the guidelines or commandments given by the church there is only an illusion of safety. You can not protect your children from everything nor should you try. Because then they will end up ill prepared for the real world where things don't usually come easy, things are rarely what you expect and you can not control anything!

So no I don't believe books, articles, Facebook pages should use trigger warnings. If you don't like something do what I used to do put it down, walk away, turn it off. It is not up to the author to watch out for your feelings. Writing whether it be a screenplay, a blog post or a novel is meant to be a means of self expression. Don't sensor me. After all there is no way to avoid reality. Life is messy, life is hard make sure your children learn that before they leave you or they will wonder why they feel unsuccessful and without a place in the world.

Be proud

Maybe our quirkiness, mistakes and failures are exactly what our kids need to thrive. Out twice with friends this week I realized something very important. If I had not grown up in a house that regularly held family dance parties I would not have known the joy that comes from that form of expression. Dancing is personal. Many people "don't dance". I can't imagine having that kind of restraint. I love letting the music move me. I have no idea if I look silly or cool but I don't care. I owe that to my parents- thank you. The practice of cranking the music and having a good time has ensured I have a blast at concerts 30 years later. It is the exposure to things that makes us comfortable in different situations and even allows us to live gracefully, and love others for who they are.

When we try to shield our children from too much it inhibits their growth, their ability to make wise decisions, it can even lower their confidence. Raising teenagers is no easy task. It is a balancing act between teaching by example and letting them make their own choices. However the key is teach them to make educated choices not choices out of fear or without an understanding of the why. It is so important we give them the BIG picture. It is not enough to say "because I'm the parent that's why".

If we don't understand something we should seek to learn more about it rather than ignore it. The unknown is extremely uncomfortable. I would much rather have my children learn about real life before they are thrown into it, than to years later feel betrayed and bewildered lost in the sea of 20 somethings not sure which way to swim. I'm not suggesting to party with your minors but talk to them about the dangers of alcohol poisoning and buzzed driving. I'm not encouraging sex among teens but have the discussions, find out where they are, what their friends are doing. Don't ignore the issues they are facing because they know the rules and they are expected to follow them. But whatever you do- don't react. Your kids will only talk to you if they feel safe. Safe from judgement.

My parents aren't perfect but they did a damn good job if you ask me. I ALWAYS felt loved, I ALWAYS knew I could talk to them about ANYthing. I knew they had made mistakes and that knowledge was key to how I viewed myself. I knew I didn't have to be any certain way to be accepted by them. Having a strong relationship with my parents has been monumental in my life.

We are muddling through this parenting journey and often doubt we know what the hell we're doing but the priority is truly love. I want my kids to know we all make mistakes, we learn and grow from them. I want them to know there is a personal set of values for every individual who walks this planet. What is okay for one person may be absolutely wrong to another but we can coexist quite beautifully if we learn to be accepting rather than afraid.

So think before you act, speak or judge. Make educated decisions in all aspects of your life. Seek knowledge, truth and experiences. Have candid conversations and share your opinions. Be YOU and know you are loved no matter what.