Going Postal

That's it! I'm a disgruntled employee. I hate my job!

How could I hate being a SAHM (stay at home mom)? Isn't this where every mom wants to be? I'm lucky to be able to stay home. I'm privileged. How can I complain about having the opportunity to be here 24/7, available to do whatever my littles need me to? I have the freedom to try new recipes, read books, repaint bedrooms, alphabetize my pantry. I was sad for those women who chose to be working moms. I thought I would gladly live with less to be home with my children. They need their mother. (Obviously if mothers are working they are absent.)

Yesterday I found myself reduced to tears a few times. It just washed over me-"I don't want to be a Mom."  And not "I don't want to do this today." I sincerely don't want this job. I have struggled with why I don't feel this overwhelming, gushy, hate when school is back in session, miss them when they're gone- love for my gaggle of kids. Years ago my sister suggested perhaps I wasn't supposed to be the one to raise my kids I was just in their lives as their birth mom. Why is that thought appealing? Because sitting at home is terribly boring- to me.  It isn't the kids. It's all that comes with them- dentist and doctor visits, homework, laundry, dishes, wiping butts, volunteering to help with their sports, schools, activities. I don't like to do any of it.

My wonderful black and white personality helped me decide once I had a baby my role was to stay home and care for her. I'm upset I put such limits on myself. I'm upset I didn't keep learning more than how to get household chores done at least once a month and to stretch $2000 farther than anyone ever has before. Of course the church justified that thinking "...fathers are responsible to provide the necessities of life...Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children...Disability, death or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation." (The Family: A Proclamation to the World 7th paragraph) For the first time I'm starting to understand the feelings behind women's lib. Why should I be the one who feels like my income better be a lot more than it would cost to pay for day care. Why am I the one that "gets to" stay home. With no college degrees in our house aren't I just as capable of making an income as Troy? In some ways I feel like I wasted my brain. Just like my singing voice which has escaped me from lack of exercise, my math skills are vanishing, I am ages behind my peers in terms of technology and computer programming, I never learned a trade should I have to support myself. It is a scary, trapped feeling.

Do I dare say it would be better for Louie to go to day care where screen time would be limited, she'd have peer interaction and she'd be given instruction and snacks and I might be happier in the work place, motivated by competition, socializing with adults, discovering skills I didn't know I possessed?

I feel relieved to realize it's the job. I don't have to like the work to love my family. I've been in this position for over 15 years now.  I'm ready to try something different.

I can be patient. This school year is underway-Louie is in an amazing preschool. I have found a couple of part time jobs to give me something to do on occasion and in pursuing the acting scene I'm finding more opportunities to develop myself. Next year is another story-all day kindergarten? Yes, please. Go back to college? Maybe. What do I want to be when I grow up? It's time to figure it out.

Is it that obvious?

I'm just going to say it

The posts where I reveal to my audience more of me and the posts that are controversial as well as vulnerable are what make my blog mine.I haven't hidden much- what have I got to lose? What- if anything- am I hiding?

Well...I drink. This may not seem like a big deal to most but it is something when Troy proofs my blogs he asks me to remove. He doesn't feel like the information should go public. We've planned to keep this fact from the kids but you know what? I'm pretty sure when we come home late and I say things that don't make sense-they know.What is the logic for keeping it hush hush? Is it the idea that they have been taught all their little lives that the church says it's wrong and if I come right out and say it they will become so confused that they will binge drink and end up with alcohol poisoning? I might-but I hope they are never as socially retarded as I am.

I am precisely 15 years behind my peers. For my 21st birthday my party loving mom gave me a great big surprise party. She served "near beer"- O'Doul's. I was mortified. What would my Mormon friends think? The very appearance of evil was supposed to be avoided and here it was being served to my friends, church acquaintances, my in-laws. I guess I wanted the appearance of a good Mormon heritage? Why did it bother me? It shouldn't have. 
Here we were with our six month old baby girl- we were headed down the path of righteousness- more babies, more responsibilities, more joy. 

But what if -what if I had used my talents? What if I had continued my theater education? What if I hadn't quit my job? What if? I've played this game many times over the past few months obviously I can't beat it- I can't win. I find myself angry. Angry that I didn't think. I did not think things through. My impulses won every time as I am always in the need to be doing. Hurry go ahead get married. Hurry go ahead have a baby. Hurry have another and another. I knew where I was "supposed" to be going.

And now I see the path didn't have to be so straight and narrow in fact some of my choices- choices made for righteousness sake were not right. So I guess I'm just catching up. I'm finding where my limits are. I'm discovering what I love and what I truly hate. I'm trying new things. I'm letting go. 

I know it is ridiculous, I have a very blessed life. I have an amazing husband who deserves the best this world can give. We have five beautiful, healthy children. Why would I possibly wish for anything other?

I don't wish for something else I just feel that my decisions weren't all my own. Of course they were all my own but with a heavy religious influence. I feared if I didn't fulfill certain responsibilities I would not... Would not what? Not go to heaven? Not love my life? Not be considered a good woman? Not live up to my potential? I had let myself believe that if I didn't have a large family I wasn't doing what I had been born to do. That is insane.

And now I am having to take inventory of my choices. I'm needing to find peace with where I am. I'm having to choose all over again.

I've always liked drinking. It's what officially got me kicked out of BYU. It's one of the reasons I look forward to our weekend dates. It makes me happy. Cheers and thank you Troy for being my personal driver. 

Don't laugh

The two posts that have exponentially surpassed all the others in the number of hits are the two you might consider most vulnerable-the one where I appeared close to naked to show off my fitness and the one where I stripped down to practically nothing -theoretically speaking- and bore my testimony of my unbelief.  Why have those two entries received so many views? I believe it is because it was then I was the most vulnerable. I was willing to show you as much as I could without crossing the line, making my readers feel offended (at least that's what I think). You may have gawked, gone back for a second look or a reread. Everything I post is truth and yet I haven't been scared enough to hold back.  I know I am unsure of most things but living for one day at a time is a gift. I'm looking forward and making an effort not to look back.

I think it's worth mentioning how vulnerable everyone is-all the time. Even when you feel confident, prepared, in control-you can find yourself assaulted or under attack. Think about it-when you leave the house, venture out into the world filled with people, you are susceptible to their actions.Those people who may or may not know and/or care about you. Someone may give you a dirty look because you didn't offer to push their child on the damn swing while they sat on the park bench checking their phone for the messages they don't have but wish they did.You may encounter an angry driver who shouts obscenities at you because he wasn't looking before he almost backed into you. Someone might tell you how absolutely wrong your child handled the situation at school when clearly it was self defense.  Or your spouse might complain about how it seems like you never made dinner this week (I guess cereal doesn't really count), your children might wonder where all their clothes are because nothing is clean, your parents might suggest you aren't making enough money. You can even make yourself feel horrible -obvi.  It's no wonder so many people develop serious cases of anxiety.

Most of us feel fairly comfortable going about our daily business whether it be at work, the grocery store or school but when we go to present our ideas, preform, or even pass on company policy we begin to feel uncomfortable. When we are in front of an audience the knowledge that we are at their mercy is evident. Our fears begin to surface and can paralyze us, make us physically sick or take a chunk out of our self esteem. You may worry about how your words will be accepted or not (thankfully I don't care). You may second guess yourself-consider stepping down and taking the consequences that come with being a quitter. You may even have prepared weeks for the moment and the probability that nerves will overcome you and cause you to stumble is still very real.What is there to do?

I think it is vital to cultivate love and kindness. On occasion I take comfort when others fail it makes me feel better and so does making fun of people. (I have touched on this before.) Hello!?-do I think I'm immune to the same treatment? If it was said to my face how off key I was when I sang in a trio, that mine was the only part anyone heard- I would most likely never sing again. So the statement that people who make fun of others are truly the ones with the problem is spot on. Why am I so filled with jealousy? Envy is ugly I tell you. I want to be clear- this isn't a constant behavior but I do need to reign it in and the goal is to ultimately put myself in the other person's shoes- take the time to deeply look at the other person and know that they are as fragile as I am. They are vulnerable even if they appear to have it all put together and in the right order.

So back to the idea of cultivating love and kindness. I do have it in me and I try to share it. If you feel it, say it.There are numerous times I have approached a stranger to give them a sincere and specific compliment. I didn't tell the pregnant lady at the park, "You look good." I told her, "I love that skirt-it's very flattering." I think it's important to be specific, it tells the person you really see them. It gives the person something they can feel and hold on to. I absolutely love being told I look good- especially by a stranger, "Well I will most definitely keep this sweater then." I once told a customer when I was working as a server, "You are a strong person- I could feel there was something about you as soon as you walked in." Before you think I was picking up on someone- you must understand this man was using crutches the type people use for more permanent reasons not just the uncomfortable ones you get from the ER when you break your leg. Before I even said anything he was holding his head high, beaming with a smile the width of his face. He was eating alone and just permeated peace, love and kindness whether he knew it or not. I thought he needed to know his affect on me and most likely others. Did it feel weird? Yes. Was I glad I did it? Yes.

Another way I try to reach out is by showing appreciation for others who provide excellent customer service. I like to call them by name and thank them for going the extra mile. We were out of town for a soccer tourney last Spring and had no other choice but fast food. It was a busy hour and the lines were long but the man in the button up shirt was doing a great job making sure everyone felt taken care of. I applauded this manager and told him, "You are running a great restaurant." Simple gestures, just words.

Love can be shown in countless ways. Troy often will text in the middle of the day asking how things are going? Reaching out to an old friend- someone who might have forgotten all about you- to recall a favorite memory you both share but haven't thought about for years. Writing a letter to anyone- who doesn't love to get tangible mail? Sending an email to an influential teacher thanking them for being a part of your life. Volunteering for ...anything. Listening-sometimes it's the only thing you can do. None of these examples cost any money just your willingness to give of yourself, maybe be a little uncomfortable. But really think about what you are doing. Bonus- when you are nice to other people they tend to be nice to you and a little more willing to let you use their truck when you're moving. The more you do something the easier it becomes. You've been the recipient of a loving or kind gesture and how did it make you feel? Regardless of how your day was going prior, it has the ability to make you see life differently for a moment. Do the people you come in contact with think of you when they think of someone who makes them feel good? I know a handful of people who genuinely make me glad I get to see them because they take an interest in my life, they stop what they're doing when I walk in the room and I know they want me to succeed.

 Nerds circa 1990

Children need love and kindness more than us thick-skinned grown ups. They are developing what they think about themselves. The words we use in conversations leave long lasting impressions. If we tell them, "School just isn't your thing". Why the hell would they give a shit about their homework?
How about in the middle of an argument, "Why are you such a jerk?" (I try to say "acting like a jerk?") I'm sure we can all come up with a plethora of put downs- ones we may or may not have said. What about the compliments the words that have the power to give them strength to face the world?  "Your room sure looks nice, good job keeping it clean.", "I"m so proud of you. With work and soccer your grades are still beautiful", "That sketch is amazing I really like the shading on that side." Just taking an interest in their long, drawn out- right at bedtime- stories says I love you. Playing catch or the board game (or boring game rather) they've been suggesting for a few weeks will make them soar. They are stinkin' vulnerable everyday as they walk out the door. They are thrown into a cruel world of kids that have no idea who they are, feel good when they make fun of people and are extremely vulnerable themselves. Love them, love everyone because you are vulnerable too.

Wait for it

Wow. Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere. A deep, dark feeling of worthlessness. Where o where do I belong? The church has defined me for as long as I can remember. It's so odd to be floundering at 35-not sure who I am. I do know I'm driven, I do go for it-whatever "it" is. I have also discovered I tend to loose steam. I get bored so easily. I also tend to give up. When I don't succeed I find myself saying-I don't have to do this. I don't have to put myself out there. I don't have to do anything more than just show up. There are no requirements, no expectations. I can do whatever I want everyday. No one really cares what I do or don't accomplish. Any of you stay at home moms out there know what I'm talking about? Self motivation is a gift. Sometimes it's hard not to let depression take over. Does anyone notice my work if I don't intentionally point it out. I do that on occasion- I drag Troy around by the hand when he gets home to show off the closet I've spent 5 hours organizing, the room I've rearranged, the pile of clothes I've purged. He could care less I'm sure. No matter- it is life, it is where I am stationed. And it was entirely my choice.

I've begun taking note of the unexpected things that happen. Yesterday we were all thrown off after enjoying a three day weekend. We were off to a rocky start. Gavin missed the bus to the middle school an unwelcomed surprise which meant I would have to skip my shower. I have a hard time accepting bad news. I like to over react and make people feel bad. Not really. It's another thing I'm trying to be aware of. At least I always apologize.  Then today when I got to work my boss greeted me with "She's here!" My first thought was did you think I wasn't going to show up? Then he reassured me he was just happy to see me. Tim is a great guy to work for. He proceeded to offer me lunch to go with the delivery. Why yes a smothered burrito sounds delish thank you. What a wonderful unexpected surprise! A reminder- we never know what's going to happen today. Good or bad it is what constitutes this thing called life.

My hope is this afternoon as the kids invade their home- I will greet them with a smile and a genuine "You're home!" Wish me luck.

Ah-work.

No spend September

It was tradition for my dad's birthday month (February) we would go without any extras. That was what he wanted. Then he was a full time student with a family, we didn't have much for "extras" anyway. It meant no take out pizza and no trips to Blockbuster.

For the last few months we've been comfortable. We've eaten out a little more, justified some new clothes and signed each of the kids up for activities. We've purchased duplicates of small items for convenience, so not everything has to be shared. It's been nice to be able to breathe a little easier.  However, we've always said if we start making more money let's live like we're poor and save the rest. At this point it might not be a large amount but it's my birthday month and I declare it "No Spend September".

We prepared the kids a couple of days out. I told them we won't be stopping for fast food or treats when we're out. I don't plan to stock up on a bunch of prepackaged items from Costco that they think constitutes a lunch. They might have to make a sandwich and take an apple. Someone might need to bake up a triple batch of chocolate chip cookies. I told them if they need to go someplace in Star they will be walking or riding their bikes and trips will be combined or cut in an effort to save gas. I'm hoping Troy will get back into the habit of packing food for work. I too am trying to shake up my routine, yesterday I walked Louie to school (I ended up carrying her scooter and we were 5 minutes late). After mowing the yard I walked to pick her up. Because the scooter hadn't worked out so well I came prepared to push her home with a stroller which meant I had to push an empty stroller to her school-that was cool.

Now that it's been declared- don't judge when we pick up a new-to-us car this month. Troy sold his truck and is looking for a small car with good gas mileage to use for work. For the record it will be saving us money because for the money we've been shelling out for gas he can have a car payment and still be spending less!

Over the years we've gone through our share of financial distress. I know how warped my mind has been at times, trying to decide if something is a need or a want. I had trained to go without- to pretend I was camping. I had decided if I could make it I should. I taught myself how to bake- bread can be made for pennies on the dollar: biscuits, bagels, tortillas, french loaves, whole wheat, english muffins, pies, doughnuts, big soft pretzels and even graham crackers. We got creative with things. One of my favorites was using Wite-Out as polish for a french manicure. Presents were always something used, under ten years old and they are ecstatic no matter what is in the gift bag. I didn't go out with the girls because I didn't want to spend money. Once Troy brought home doughnuts but the one he had picked for me wasn't my favorite. It broke me to tears. My thought was how could he have spent that money and on something that I didn't even want? The stress of not having enough is so heavy. I remember trying to keep my emotions from spilling over when in conversations at church I couldn't identify with the difficulty of choosing draperies to match the patterns of Ethan Allen furniture. One woman was complaining because with her four young children the $3,500 allowance her husband gave her was simply "not enough to last the whole month for groceries and everything else!"

I came to learn I needed some balance. You can't always say no. I remember reaching the point when it was okay to splurge on an evening at the cheap seats or take the kids for a slurpee. I remember thinking, it's just money. Everything was going to pay for our house-we were desperately holding on. We were getting help with food and we were able to keep up on the bills but that was quite literally it for a few months. Once we were out of that house and let it go I remember thinking I wanted to get the car detailed. Why not? It's only money and we've been with nothing before. If I spend it all what'll it hurt?

There was a time when Troy was laid off, collecting unemployment, taking some online college courses and watching Louie while I worked full time at near minimum wage jobs. That was a new perspective for me. I hadn't worked full time since before we were married. It is a lot of hours. I didn't mind the work but I did get grouchy about the pay. I worked hard for a small pay check that yielded practically nothing once the bills were paid. What the hell? Working that much you feel you should be justified in buying just a little something for yourself-something? Hence the saying, "The rich stay rich by living like they're poor and the poor stay poor by living like they're rich." You just can't get ahead if you don't have goals, a little self control and a vision for any kind of a future.

I'm cool with our kids not having everything they want. It would not benefit them in the least. I didn't have anything I didn't work for and I feel I have excellent budgeting skills. Kylie has been gifted the same lesson and is doing phenomenal with her paychecks. Gavin works and Gavin spends faster. You can't win them all.

There is so much in our culture attached to that green paper. So much of life is sought after it but when it's all gone you are left with what has always been there. Later this month we're going to an event presented by Compassion International at a local Christian church. The tour takes you through the life of those less fortunate. I hope the experience will resonate with the kids and they will see how truly blessed they are. I could use that reminder as well.

Pay day is approaching and once the bills are paid I look forward to seeing how many days I can go without spending any money.

If they want  coffee, ice cream and cigs-they'll have to buy them.

Andy who?

Yesterday Troy was a rock star (not that he isn't everyday). He was in charge of the music for #Baldapalooza, a benefit music festival. This was their third year and it was definitely the best so far-as with most events when they pick up momentum, larger sponsors, bigger names-the projects improve. The line up included Ashley Hess, Jessica Domingo, our good friend Mossi and Andy Grammer! 

It was a blast. I'm so proud of Troy and all the hours of service he gave to help with the fest and raise money for Camp Rainbow Gold. The camp is for families of children who are battling cancer. The night was a success. The preshow party Friday night-Troy's idea- surpassed the experience of the actual concert even without Andy Grammer. It is always so impressive to me when musicians pull together an improv jam session. They all sound groovy on their own but put them together and something entrancing happens. Some may go as far as to say "Music is Life". I tend to agree-depending on the artist.

We had a splendid evening-a few lovely pics with the beautiful, sweet smelling Andy Grammer-face painting-snow cones-dancing and a pair of lost prescription sunglasses. We even crashed in a hotel after the after party. Yes, rock stars. Thank you Troy. I've decided I'll just ride on his coattails-no reason for me to add stress to my chaos. No work just play. You solicit the sponsors and I'll be your date-and take care of your kids and your house and your bills. 

Saturday morning while Troy was running around in a somewhat agitated form putting out fires and what not-I was home blissfully orchestrating the highly anticipated "chore day". Oh how I love the weeping and wailing, the dramatic woes that are staged every Saturday. Yes, the fighting that incurs as to which person needs to do what to make the bedroom pass inspection. This is an issue-one of many-that comes with sharing a room. The tape line has been removed but the responsibilities have become the battle. Who knows-who cares- what started this particular match but it escalated quickly and there were some threats thrown out along with some insults. They left out the expletives-which would have possibly lightened the mood. The climax was definitely the throwing of the shoe. Who throws a shoe? Naturally there had to be a consequence and I know that both parties were equally to blame even though I wouldn't allow them to plead their defenses. I don't want to hear the details of how it all started, who said what and who threw the first punch. It doesn't matter to me. They both were guilty for interrupting what I was doing-the only thing that upset me. 

And here comes Super Mom-I took off their bedroom door. Just slid the pins out and shocked them into silence. I'm not the one to invent this unusual punishment but this was the first time I had used it and without a telling threat. They just stood there and took it. After that they were nice to me and avoided each other-novel idea. Victory. I'm tempted to use it on Kylie for the sole reason that she excludes herself-inadvertently-every day after school with the help of her iPhone sidekick we shall name-Snappy Chatty.

This somewhat unorthodox removing of the door sparked a memory of one of my best friends' mom. She told her teenagers they had to get jobs when they were 16 or a vast amount of their privileges would be revoked. I don't know the details but I do remember after a few weeks she was temporarily working the drive thru at Taco Bell-where everyone went afterschool. Well played Donna.

#Baldapalooza2015

Whoa, that's a lot of kids.

Yes, it's true

We all know "Life is hard". Sometimes the ring of that bell resonates a lot louder and longer. (Keep in mind I'm fully aware this is a first world problem.)

This week was the masterclass I had registered for in June. It was a theatre training of the Suzuki and Viewpoints methods. I had my ass handed to me. I haven't been in a show for 8 years. I had no business being there. I thought I could consider myself a professional because I have been paid for my work on stage. No, it's a whole different ball game. These people are intense. The Suzuki class was physically rigorous to say the least. Although I was the only one in the class who couldn't conquer a turning walk, quite humiliating, at least I was fit enough to not be sore.

I really enjoyed the Viewpoints except for the day I took it too far. We were invited to add text to our play and I did, only it wasn't the best choice for the moment. Once the exercise was done the instructor gave a 5 minute lecture about how sometimes we just want to be the actor and don't do what is best for the group. Mind you this is the type of training I've been doing on Saturday mornings, the highlight of my week. Now I felt I had messed up the one process that has no rules. I broke a rule for the game that has none. Awesome.

I started to cry as soon as I left the black box. If I can't feel good about work in a training how the hell could I compete with these people in auditions. I just don't have it anymore. Did I ever have "it"? Or were people just lying to me? What do I have? I let my singing voice disappear by neglect. I'm not the best mom or wife for that matter. I'm not a good Mormon. Who am I?

That was Thursday, Friday morning I was tempted to stay home. I wanted to quit. I had a brief conversation with one of my friends on Facebook. About himself he said, "I admit I cross the line sometimes. When I do I own it and delete". Perfect. Own it and delete. I got in the burb and drove myself downtown. The last session was... ok. I still didn't get that stupid turning walk but Viewpoints was put back in its magical spot. I just kept my mouth shut. It's funny how that works. Don't talk, don't make an ass out of yourself. Still I insisted on doing the walk of shame through the tunnel and over the bridge. I cried again being more dramatic at the points where I wasn't visible to anyone. There is so much to learn about acting. So much to dissect and figure out: motives, energies, focus and an infinity of other elements. I'm not sure it's where I should be or what I want to be spending all my time on right now. My question is do I try and learn in my spare time or do I wait until I am less committed to family and house (old) to begin again? Would I be wasting these years or would it make more sense to shelve it?

I tend to want to do more, as if what is in front of me isn't enough. I like to dream up successes in all of my passing interests. I look at the job listings on Craigslist and think, I could totally do that. Hell, I could own the company. If only I didn't have a collection of kids to drive around, teach how to budget, discipline, show how to cook, ensure they write thank you notes, the list goes on.  I'm thinking I should focus on the line of work I find myself in. I am a Stay At Home Mom. There is nothing wrong with that but I definitely want to instill in my daughters it is not the only choice or even the best choice for everyone. Their potential is limitless. Louie is catching on. Famous for her songs, she was signing yesterday, "I can be anything. I can do anything."  I'm not sure which cartoon character fed her those lines but, I approve and thank you.

Embracing my role as Mom this school year I've already begun reviewing my nanny contract. I want to do my best work, maybe earn an employee of the month award.

Best supporting actor goes to Gavin-check out his hand. Nice.