Grow a pair

Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.-Betty White

Nevertheless, my theme for the New Year is "Grow Some Balls" (Thanks Courtney!) or "Don't Be Scared". I am standing on the edge of the rest of my life and for the first time in a long time I'm excited! I can look out and see the world sprawled out below waiting for me. 

I'm reading the book Wild right now. If you haven't seen the movie-it is basically the journal of a young woman who hikes the Pacific Crest Trail (PCT) solo- hoping to find answers to life's toughest questions. She is brave and tough but is constantly having to remind herself not to be scared. I feel like that pretty much sums it up. To get ahead, to figure things out, to grow we have to do hard things. We have to push ourselves into the unknown, believe in ourselves but it takes constant work and reassurance. 

So heading into 2016 I am giddy and apprehensive, motivated and stressed. I think this past year I have learned that I can be whatever I want to be. It is never too late. There is nothing to fear but fear itself. (Wow-three in a row.) If you've only been dreaming of the life you want- come with me- this is our year. 

Good morning! Time to get up!

I feel so happy, accomplished, balanced. I want to hold onto this moment. I want to dissect this moment to understand what it took to get here and how to recreate it. 

The house is clean! Everyone got their chores done without too much prodding and there was absolutely no yelling. I got up this morning -even earlier than I normally do on Saturday mornings- and attended an orientation for new students at the College of Western Idaho. When I returned I entered the living room with my cheesy new t-shirt, "Your momma is a college student". The boys looked up from the Xbox and met me with matching grins. I love being a student. It makes sense. The academic plan is laid out in front of you, take these classes and you will graduate. It is simple, do this and you will achieve your goals. So I am enrolled for one class and will soon be registered for a math class after taking a dreaded assessment on Monday.

Let me go back. Troy applied for a job at BYU-Hawaii last month. Even though he wasn't qualified AT ALL he was in the running for the position of lightening engineer for the Cannon Center. (Sometimes it's not what you know, it's who you know.) He submitted the extensive multiple part application, interviewed over the phone and then we waited. Two weeks felt like two months as we dreamt of our new home. The kids planned to learn surfing and hula. They claimed they wouldn't mind sharing one room because with the best climate on the planet they'd be outside all the time.  On our 15 hour trip to Cali for Thanksgiving Troy checked his email and we were informed the job had been given to the other candidate. We were bummed and life would now be changing. Hawaii was going to be more secure and consistent financially. It would have meant a paycheck every month, the ability to budget. Troy's current employment contract is strictly commission. So it was mutually decided I would look for full time employment outside the house if we didn't move to paradise. My plan was to find something with evening and weekend hours to avoid costly child care for Louie.

I have a second interview this week with a local start up that is experiencing amazing growth and winning all kinds of awards including one of the "Best Places to Work in Boise". The position is full time with benefits sometime between the hours of 6a-6p. (I wasn't sure what hours were available prior to my first interview.) When schedule came up, I quickly realized if it meant working in a positive environment with better than most compensation, fairly close to home and the kids' schools I'd be willing to put Louie in day care.

Yesterday while perusing the school district job openings I saw it. Drama teacher at Idaho Fine Arts Academy. This is the public school arts magnet where Ashton was accepted for visual arts. I felt a yearning. This is the job I want. Obviously, I am not qualified. And so I began thinking about returning to college. I realized I had applied and been accepted to CWI exactly 5 years ago and immediately after registering for the Spring semester found out I was pregnant with Louie. I could have been done with school by now! What do I have to show for my life? In a dramatic pity party I exclaimed to Troy " I have nothing! All I know how to do is be resourceful. Give me some hand me downs and I know how to use them. If it's free it's for me!". I bawled, what am I doing? Should I go to school full time? work? Life is going to change and it's going to be dramatic.

For now I am ecstatic to have a partial plan, to have taken action and to have a clean house. As I await my interview, my financial aid award and the inevitable undoing of today's housework I feel happy. I will never be content without a hand in my future- neither should you.

Mrs. Flip Flopper

Humph. Maybe it was just a hormonal rant at the worst time of the month. Maybe I do like being home.

In looking for my true identity- I got a job. I worked it for three weeks and realized it wasn't the right fit. I was doing some work from home and some work in an office with my loyal sidekick Louie. The schedule wasn't set, the responsibilities somewhat unclear and the space to be creative unleashed. It was a lot. A lot too much. My mind got more cluttered and jumbled. It was more mangled mess than I could manage. So I quit. I'm back to being the mom. But you know what-the house has been cleaner this last week than at any time in the past 2 months, I have been here to cook up after school quesadillas, Louie and I even took a trip to the library. 

As I pendulate back and forth I wonder what a job is worth. I'm uneducated and a resident of Idaho so my wages would be roughly $9.00 an hour-tops. If I were to get a full time job, a little less than half would go to provide day care for Louie. I know I would be forced to miss soccer games, school presentations. How do you fit in ortho appointments? I don't know how a successful working mom does it. I don't know if I can do it.

On the other hand I can put a sophisticated spin on the whole idea and see working accompanied with priceless benefits. Contributing financially to our family in the bleak months called winter may actually be a necessity. Being in an environment with other people may provide just enough variety that I uncover a deeper love for my family. Recognition for a job well done-no matter what it might be- could help me find untapped feelings of self worth. Going to work everyday might reveal greater purpose and help develop personal goals. 

Every choice comes with a sacrifice. How do you know what or who is most important?

Going Postal

That's it! I'm a disgruntled employee. I hate my job!

How could I hate being a SAHM (stay at home mom)? Isn't this where every mom wants to be? I'm lucky to be able to stay home. I'm privileged. How can I complain about having the opportunity to be here 24/7, available to do whatever my littles need me to? I have the freedom to try new recipes, read books, repaint bedrooms, alphabetize my pantry. I was sad for those women who chose to be working moms. I thought I would gladly live with less to be home with my children. They need their mother. (Obviously if mothers are working they are absent.)

Yesterday I found myself reduced to tears a few times. It just washed over me-"I don't want to be a Mom."  And not "I don't want to do this today." I sincerely don't want this job. I have struggled with why I don't feel this overwhelming, gushy, hate when school is back in session, miss them when they're gone- love for my gaggle of kids. Years ago my sister suggested perhaps I wasn't supposed to be the one to raise my kids I was just in their lives as their birth mom. Why is that thought appealing? Because sitting at home is terribly boring- to me.  It isn't the kids. It's all that comes with them- dentist and doctor visits, homework, laundry, dishes, wiping butts, volunteering to help with their sports, schools, activities. I don't like to do any of it.

My wonderful black and white personality helped me decide once I had a baby my role was to stay home and care for her. I'm upset I put such limits on myself. I'm upset I didn't keep learning more than how to get household chores done at least once a month and to stretch $2000 farther than anyone ever has before. Of course the church justified that thinking "...fathers are responsible to provide the necessities of life...Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children...Disability, death or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation." (The Family: A Proclamation to the World 7th paragraph) For the first time I'm starting to understand the feelings behind women's lib. Why should I be the one who feels like my income better be a lot more than it would cost to pay for day care. Why am I the one that "gets to" stay home. With no college degrees in our house aren't I just as capable of making an income as Troy? In some ways I feel like I wasted my brain. Just like my singing voice which has escaped me from lack of exercise, my math skills are vanishing, I am ages behind my peers in terms of technology and computer programming, I never learned a trade should I have to support myself. It is a scary, trapped feeling.

Do I dare say it would be better for Louie to go to day care where screen time would be limited, she'd have peer interaction and she'd be given instruction and snacks and I might be happier in the work place, motivated by competition, socializing with adults, discovering skills I didn't know I possessed?

I feel relieved to realize it's the job. I don't have to like the work to love my family. I've been in this position for over 15 years now.  I'm ready to try something different.

I can be patient. This school year is underway-Louie is in an amazing preschool. I have found a couple of part time jobs to give me something to do on occasion and in pursuing the acting scene I'm finding more opportunities to develop myself. Next year is another story-all day kindergarten? Yes, please. Go back to college? Maybe. What do I want to be when I grow up? It's time to figure it out.

Is it that obvious?

I'm just going to say it

The posts where I reveal to my audience more of me and the posts that are controversial as well as vulnerable are what make my blog mine.I haven't hidden much- what have I got to lose? What- if anything- am I hiding?

Well...I drink. This may not seem like a big deal to most but it is something when Troy proofs my blogs he asks me to remove. He doesn't feel like the information should go public. We've planned to keep this fact from the kids but you know what? I'm pretty sure when we come home late and I say things that don't make sense-they know.What is the logic for keeping it hush hush? Is it the idea that they have been taught all their little lives that the church says it's wrong and if I come right out and say it they will become so confused that they will binge drink and end up with alcohol poisoning? I might-but I hope they are never as socially retarded as I am.

I am precisely 15 years behind my peers. For my 21st birthday my party loving mom gave me a great big surprise party. She served "near beer"- O'Doul's. I was mortified. What would my Mormon friends think? The very appearance of evil was supposed to be avoided and here it was being served to my friends, church acquaintances, my in-laws. I guess I wanted the appearance of a good Mormon heritage? Why did it bother me? It shouldn't have. 
Here we were with our six month old baby girl- we were headed down the path of righteousness- more babies, more responsibilities, more joy. 

But what if -what if I had used my talents? What if I had continued my theater education? What if I hadn't quit my job? What if? I've played this game many times over the past few months obviously I can't beat it- I can't win. I find myself angry. Angry that I didn't think. I did not think things through. My impulses won every time as I am always in the need to be doing. Hurry go ahead get married. Hurry go ahead have a baby. Hurry have another and another. I knew where I was "supposed" to be going.

And now I see the path didn't have to be so straight and narrow in fact some of my choices- choices made for righteousness sake were not right. So I guess I'm just catching up. I'm finding where my limits are. I'm discovering what I love and what I truly hate. I'm trying new things. I'm letting go. 

I know it is ridiculous, I have a very blessed life. I have an amazing husband who deserves the best this world can give. We have five beautiful, healthy children. Why would I possibly wish for anything other?

I don't wish for something else I just feel that my decisions weren't all my own. Of course they were all my own but with a heavy religious influence. I feared if I didn't fulfill certain responsibilities I would not... Would not what? Not go to heaven? Not love my life? Not be considered a good woman? Not live up to my potential? I had let myself believe that if I didn't have a large family I wasn't doing what I had been born to do. That is insane.

And now I am having to take inventory of my choices. I'm needing to find peace with where I am. I'm having to choose all over again.

I've always liked drinking. It's what officially got me kicked out of BYU. It's one of the reasons I look forward to our weekend dates. It makes me happy. Cheers and thank you Troy for being my personal driver. 

Don't laugh

The two posts that have exponentially surpassed all the others in the number of hits are the two you might consider most vulnerable-the one where I appeared close to naked to show off my fitness and the one where I stripped down to practically nothing -theoretically speaking- and bore my testimony of my unbelief.  Why have those two entries received so many views? I believe it is because it was then I was the most vulnerable. I was willing to show you as much as I could without crossing the line, making my readers feel offended (at least that's what I think). You may have gawked, gone back for a second look or a reread. Everything I post is truth and yet I haven't been scared enough to hold back.  I know I am unsure of most things but living for one day at a time is a gift. I'm looking forward and making an effort not to look back.

I think it's worth mentioning how vulnerable everyone is-all the time. Even when you feel confident, prepared, in control-you can find yourself assaulted or under attack. Think about it-when you leave the house, venture out into the world filled with people, you are susceptible to their actions.Those people who may or may not know and/or care about you. Someone may give you a dirty look because you didn't offer to push their child on the damn swing while they sat on the park bench checking their phone for the messages they don't have but wish they did.You may encounter an angry driver who shouts obscenities at you because he wasn't looking before he almost backed into you. Someone might tell you how absolutely wrong your child handled the situation at school when clearly it was self defense.  Or your spouse might complain about how it seems like you never made dinner this week (I guess cereal doesn't really count), your children might wonder where all their clothes are because nothing is clean, your parents might suggest you aren't making enough money. You can even make yourself feel horrible -obvi.  It's no wonder so many people develop serious cases of anxiety.

Most of us feel fairly comfortable going about our daily business whether it be at work, the grocery store or school but when we go to present our ideas, preform, or even pass on company policy we begin to feel uncomfortable. When we are in front of an audience the knowledge that we are at their mercy is evident. Our fears begin to surface and can paralyze us, make us physically sick or take a chunk out of our self esteem. You may worry about how your words will be accepted or not (thankfully I don't care). You may second guess yourself-consider stepping down and taking the consequences that come with being a quitter. You may even have prepared weeks for the moment and the probability that nerves will overcome you and cause you to stumble is still very real.What is there to do?

I think it is vital to cultivate love and kindness. On occasion I take comfort when others fail it makes me feel better and so does making fun of people. (I have touched on this before.) Hello!?-do I think I'm immune to the same treatment? If it was said to my face how off key I was when I sang in a trio, that mine was the only part anyone heard- I would most likely never sing again. So the statement that people who make fun of others are truly the ones with the problem is spot on. Why am I so filled with jealousy? Envy is ugly I tell you. I want to be clear- this isn't a constant behavior but I do need to reign it in and the goal is to ultimately put myself in the other person's shoes- take the time to deeply look at the other person and know that they are as fragile as I am. They are vulnerable even if they appear to have it all put together and in the right order.

So back to the idea of cultivating love and kindness. I do have it in me and I try to share it. If you feel it, say it.There are numerous times I have approached a stranger to give them a sincere and specific compliment. I didn't tell the pregnant lady at the park, "You look good." I told her, "I love that skirt-it's very flattering." I think it's important to be specific, it tells the person you really see them. It gives the person something they can feel and hold on to. I absolutely love being told I look good- especially by a stranger, "Well I will most definitely keep this sweater then." I once told a customer when I was working as a server, "You are a strong person- I could feel there was something about you as soon as you walked in." Before you think I was picking up on someone- you must understand this man was using crutches the type people use for more permanent reasons not just the uncomfortable ones you get from the ER when you break your leg. Before I even said anything he was holding his head high, beaming with a smile the width of his face. He was eating alone and just permeated peace, love and kindness whether he knew it or not. I thought he needed to know his affect on me and most likely others. Did it feel weird? Yes. Was I glad I did it? Yes.

Another way I try to reach out is by showing appreciation for others who provide excellent customer service. I like to call them by name and thank them for going the extra mile. We were out of town for a soccer tourney last Spring and had no other choice but fast food. It was a busy hour and the lines were long but the man in the button up shirt was doing a great job making sure everyone felt taken care of. I applauded this manager and told him, "You are running a great restaurant." Simple gestures, just words.

Love can be shown in countless ways. Troy often will text in the middle of the day asking how things are going? Reaching out to an old friend- someone who might have forgotten all about you- to recall a favorite memory you both share but haven't thought about for years. Writing a letter to anyone- who doesn't love to get tangible mail? Sending an email to an influential teacher thanking them for being a part of your life. Volunteering for ...anything. Listening-sometimes it's the only thing you can do. None of these examples cost any money just your willingness to give of yourself, maybe be a little uncomfortable. But really think about what you are doing. Bonus- when you are nice to other people they tend to be nice to you and a little more willing to let you use their truck when you're moving. The more you do something the easier it becomes. You've been the recipient of a loving or kind gesture and how did it make you feel? Regardless of how your day was going prior, it has the ability to make you see life differently for a moment. Do the people you come in contact with think of you when they think of someone who makes them feel good? I know a handful of people who genuinely make me glad I get to see them because they take an interest in my life, they stop what they're doing when I walk in the room and I know they want me to succeed.

 Nerds circa 1990

Children need love and kindness more than us thick-skinned grown ups. They are developing what they think about themselves. The words we use in conversations leave long lasting impressions. If we tell them, "School just isn't your thing". Why the hell would they give a shit about their homework?
How about in the middle of an argument, "Why are you such a jerk?" (I try to say "acting like a jerk?") I'm sure we can all come up with a plethora of put downs- ones we may or may not have said. What about the compliments the words that have the power to give them strength to face the world?  "Your room sure looks nice, good job keeping it clean.", "I"m so proud of you. With work and soccer your grades are still beautiful", "That sketch is amazing I really like the shading on that side." Just taking an interest in their long, drawn out- right at bedtime- stories says I love you. Playing catch or the board game (or boring game rather) they've been suggesting for a few weeks will make them soar. They are stinkin' vulnerable everyday as they walk out the door. They are thrown into a cruel world of kids that have no idea who they are, feel good when they make fun of people and are extremely vulnerable themselves. Love them, love everyone because you are vulnerable too.

Wait for it

Wow. Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere. A deep, dark feeling of worthlessness. Where o where do I belong? The church has defined me for as long as I can remember. It's so odd to be floundering at 35-not sure who I am. I do know I'm driven, I do go for it-whatever "it" is. I have also discovered I tend to loose steam. I get bored so easily. I also tend to give up. When I don't succeed I find myself saying-I don't have to do this. I don't have to put myself out there. I don't have to do anything more than just show up. There are no requirements, no expectations. I can do whatever I want everyday. No one really cares what I do or don't accomplish. Any of you stay at home moms out there know what I'm talking about? Self motivation is a gift. Sometimes it's hard not to let depression take over. Does anyone notice my work if I don't intentionally point it out. I do that on occasion- I drag Troy around by the hand when he gets home to show off the closet I've spent 5 hours organizing, the room I've rearranged, the pile of clothes I've purged. He could care less I'm sure. No matter- it is life, it is where I am stationed. And it was entirely my choice.

I've begun taking note of the unexpected things that happen. Yesterday we were all thrown off after enjoying a three day weekend. We were off to a rocky start. Gavin missed the bus to the middle school an unwelcomed surprise which meant I would have to skip my shower. I have a hard time accepting bad news. I like to over react and make people feel bad. Not really. It's another thing I'm trying to be aware of. At least I always apologize.  Then today when I got to work my boss greeted me with "She's here!" My first thought was did you think I wasn't going to show up? Then he reassured me he was just happy to see me. Tim is a great guy to work for. He proceeded to offer me lunch to go with the delivery. Why yes a smothered burrito sounds delish thank you. What a wonderful unexpected surprise! A reminder- we never know what's going to happen today. Good or bad it is what constitutes this thing called life.

My hope is this afternoon as the kids invade their home- I will greet them with a smile and a genuine "You're home!" Wish me luck.

Ah-work.

No spend September

It was tradition for my dad's birthday month (February) we would go without any extras. That was what he wanted. Then he was a full time student with a family, we didn't have much for "extras" anyway. It meant no take out pizza and no trips to Blockbuster.

For the last few months we've been comfortable. We've eaten out a little more, justified some new clothes and signed each of the kids up for activities. We've purchased duplicates of small items for convenience, so not everything has to be shared. It's been nice to be able to breathe a little easier.  However, we've always said if we start making more money let's live like we're poor and save the rest. At this point it might not be a large amount but it's my birthday month and I declare it "No Spend September".

We prepared the kids a couple of days out. I told them we won't be stopping for fast food or treats when we're out. I don't plan to stock up on a bunch of prepackaged items from Costco that they think constitutes a lunch. They might have to make a sandwich and take an apple. Someone might need to bake up a triple batch of chocolate chip cookies. I told them if they need to go someplace in Star they will be walking or riding their bikes and trips will be combined or cut in an effort to save gas. I'm hoping Troy will get back into the habit of packing food for work. I too am trying to shake up my routine, yesterday I walked Louie to school (I ended up carrying her scooter and we were 5 minutes late). After mowing the yard I walked to pick her up. Because the scooter hadn't worked out so well I came prepared to push her home with a stroller which meant I had to push an empty stroller to her school-that was cool.

Now that it's been declared- don't judge when we pick up a new-to-us car this month. Troy sold his truck and is looking for a small car with good gas mileage to use for work. For the record it will be saving us money because for the money we've been shelling out for gas he can have a car payment and still be spending less!

Over the years we've gone through our share of financial distress. I know how warped my mind has been at times, trying to decide if something is a need or a want. I had trained to go without- to pretend I was camping. I had decided if I could make it I should. I taught myself how to bake- bread can be made for pennies on the dollar: biscuits, bagels, tortillas, french loaves, whole wheat, english muffins, pies, doughnuts, big soft pretzels and even graham crackers. We got creative with things. One of my favorites was using Wite-Out as polish for a french manicure. Presents were always something used, under ten years old and they are ecstatic no matter what is in the gift bag. I didn't go out with the girls because I didn't want to spend money. Once Troy brought home doughnuts but the one he had picked for me wasn't my favorite. It broke me to tears. My thought was how could he have spent that money and on something that I didn't even want? The stress of not having enough is so heavy. I remember trying to keep my emotions from spilling over when in conversations at church I couldn't identify with the difficulty of choosing draperies to match the patterns of Ethan Allen furniture. One woman was complaining because with her four young children the $3,500 allowance her husband gave her was simply "not enough to last the whole month for groceries and everything else!"

I came to learn I needed some balance. You can't always say no. I remember reaching the point when it was okay to splurge on an evening at the cheap seats or take the kids for a slurpee. I remember thinking, it's just money. Everything was going to pay for our house-we were desperately holding on. We were getting help with food and we were able to keep up on the bills but that was quite literally it for a few months. Once we were out of that house and let it go I remember thinking I wanted to get the car detailed. Why not? It's only money and we've been with nothing before. If I spend it all what'll it hurt?

There was a time when Troy was laid off, collecting unemployment, taking some online college courses and watching Louie while I worked full time at near minimum wage jobs. That was a new perspective for me. I hadn't worked full time since before we were married. It is a lot of hours. I didn't mind the work but I did get grouchy about the pay. I worked hard for a small pay check that yielded practically nothing once the bills were paid. What the hell? Working that much you feel you should be justified in buying just a little something for yourself-something? Hence the saying, "The rich stay rich by living like they're poor and the poor stay poor by living like they're rich." You just can't get ahead if you don't have goals, a little self control and a vision for any kind of a future.

I'm cool with our kids not having everything they want. It would not benefit them in the least. I didn't have anything I didn't work for and I feel I have excellent budgeting skills. Kylie has been gifted the same lesson and is doing phenomenal with her paychecks. Gavin works and Gavin spends faster. You can't win them all.

There is so much in our culture attached to that green paper. So much of life is sought after it but when it's all gone you are left with what has always been there. Later this month we're going to an event presented by Compassion International at a local Christian church. The tour takes you through the life of those less fortunate. I hope the experience will resonate with the kids and they will see how truly blessed they are. I could use that reminder as well.

Pay day is approaching and once the bills are paid I look forward to seeing how many days I can go without spending any money.

If they want  coffee, ice cream and cigs-they'll have to buy them.

Andy who?

Yesterday Troy was a rock star (not that he isn't everyday). He was in charge of the music for #Baldapalooza, a benefit music festival. This was their third year and it was definitely the best so far-as with most events when they pick up momentum, larger sponsors, bigger names-the projects improve. The line up included Ashley Hess, Jessica Domingo, our good friend Mossi and Andy Grammer! 

It was a blast. I'm so proud of Troy and all the hours of service he gave to help with the fest and raise money for Camp Rainbow Gold. The camp is for families of children who are battling cancer. The night was a success. The preshow party Friday night-Troy's idea- surpassed the experience of the actual concert even without Andy Grammer. It is always so impressive to me when musicians pull together an improv jam session. They all sound groovy on their own but put them together and something entrancing happens. Some may go as far as to say "Music is Life". I tend to agree-depending on the artist.

We had a splendid evening-a few lovely pics with the beautiful, sweet smelling Andy Grammer-face painting-snow cones-dancing and a pair of lost prescription sunglasses. We even crashed in a hotel after the after party. Yes, rock stars. Thank you Troy. I've decided I'll just ride on his coattails-no reason for me to add stress to my chaos. No work just play. You solicit the sponsors and I'll be your date-and take care of your kids and your house and your bills. 

Saturday morning while Troy was running around in a somewhat agitated form putting out fires and what not-I was home blissfully orchestrating the highly anticipated "chore day". Oh how I love the weeping and wailing, the dramatic woes that are staged every Saturday. Yes, the fighting that incurs as to which person needs to do what to make the bedroom pass inspection. This is an issue-one of many-that comes with sharing a room. The tape line has been removed but the responsibilities have become the battle. Who knows-who cares- what started this particular match but it escalated quickly and there were some threats thrown out along with some insults. They left out the expletives-which would have possibly lightened the mood. The climax was definitely the throwing of the shoe. Who throws a shoe? Naturally there had to be a consequence and I know that both parties were equally to blame even though I wouldn't allow them to plead their defenses. I don't want to hear the details of how it all started, who said what and who threw the first punch. It doesn't matter to me. They both were guilty for interrupting what I was doing-the only thing that upset me. 

And here comes Super Mom-I took off their bedroom door. Just slid the pins out and shocked them into silence. I'm not the one to invent this unusual punishment but this was the first time I had used it and without a telling threat. They just stood there and took it. After that they were nice to me and avoided each other-novel idea. Victory. I'm tempted to use it on Kylie for the sole reason that she excludes herself-inadvertently-every day after school with the help of her iPhone sidekick we shall name-Snappy Chatty.

This somewhat unorthodox removing of the door sparked a memory of one of my best friends' mom. She told her teenagers they had to get jobs when they were 16 or a vast amount of their privileges would be revoked. I don't know the details but I do remember after a few weeks she was temporarily working the drive thru at Taco Bell-where everyone went afterschool. Well played Donna.

#Baldapalooza2015

Whoa, that's a lot of kids.

Yes, it's true

We all know "Life is hard". Sometimes the ring of that bell resonates a lot louder and longer. (Keep in mind I'm fully aware this is a first world problem.)

This week was the masterclass I had registered for in June. It was a theatre training of the Suzuki and Viewpoints methods. I had my ass handed to me. I haven't been in a show for 8 years. I had no business being there. I thought I could consider myself a professional because I have been paid for my work on stage. No, it's a whole different ball game. These people are intense. The Suzuki class was physically rigorous to say the least. Although I was the only one in the class who couldn't conquer a turning walk, quite humiliating, at least I was fit enough to not be sore.

I really enjoyed the Viewpoints except for the day I took it too far. We were invited to add text to our play and I did, only it wasn't the best choice for the moment. Once the exercise was done the instructor gave a 5 minute lecture about how sometimes we just want to be the actor and don't do what is best for the group. Mind you this is the type of training I've been doing on Saturday mornings, the highlight of my week. Now I felt I had messed up the one process that has no rules. I broke a rule for the game that has none. Awesome.

I started to cry as soon as I left the black box. If I can't feel good about work in a training how the hell could I compete with these people in auditions. I just don't have it anymore. Did I ever have "it"? Or were people just lying to me? What do I have? I let my singing voice disappear by neglect. I'm not the best mom or wife for that matter. I'm not a good Mormon. Who am I?

That was Thursday, Friday morning I was tempted to stay home. I wanted to quit. I had a brief conversation with one of my friends on Facebook. About himself he said, "I admit I cross the line sometimes. When I do I own it and delete". Perfect. Own it and delete. I got in the burb and drove myself downtown. The last session was... ok. I still didn't get that stupid turning walk but Viewpoints was put back in its magical spot. I just kept my mouth shut. It's funny how that works. Don't talk, don't make an ass out of yourself. Still I insisted on doing the walk of shame through the tunnel and over the bridge. I cried again being more dramatic at the points where I wasn't visible to anyone. There is so much to learn about acting. So much to dissect and figure out: motives, energies, focus and an infinity of other elements. I'm not sure it's where I should be or what I want to be spending all my time on right now. My question is do I try and learn in my spare time or do I wait until I am less committed to family and house (old) to begin again? Would I be wasting these years or would it make more sense to shelve it?

I tend to want to do more, as if what is in front of me isn't enough. I like to dream up successes in all of my passing interests. I look at the job listings on Craigslist and think, I could totally do that. Hell, I could own the company. If only I didn't have a collection of kids to drive around, teach how to budget, discipline, show how to cook, ensure they write thank you notes, the list goes on.  I'm thinking I should focus on the line of work I find myself in. I am a Stay At Home Mom. There is nothing wrong with that but I definitely want to instill in my daughters it is not the only choice or even the best choice for everyone. Their potential is limitless. Louie is catching on. Famous for her songs, she was signing yesterday, "I can be anything. I can do anything."  I'm not sure which cartoon character fed her those lines but, I approve and thank you.

Embracing my role as Mom this school year I've already begun reviewing my nanny contract. I want to do my best work, maybe earn an employee of the month award.

Best supporting actor goes to Gavin-check out his hand. Nice.

Legit

For my Mormon friends who have been wondering where I am, for my regular friends you already knew this is who I am, for my family I expect you to love me the same, for my kids this does not give you permission to drink before you're legal.

I posted the following in a private Facebook group for Mormons who are struggling with their faith. Some have left the church, some have one foot in and one foot out but all 2,000 members are doubting and uncomfortable with aspects of the church. I have found it to be a comfortable fit for me.

"It was the strangest thing. For the last 4 and a half months I've been telling myself there is no truth in the church and I am happy to leave behind the expectations and judgements I put on myself. Happy to leave it all behind. I haven't wanted to admit it but I've felt a void and my spirituality had been halted. My eyes have been opened, I'm loving life, a majority of the doctrine I will not testify of, I know it is not the one true church. But yesterday eating alone I had the feeling that I can take just pieces of it. This is something that never before made sense to me. I'm actually planning to attend church on Sunday after a 6 week break. It'll be interesting. I WANT to go, I want to see it from a non members perspective. I want to see if I can find any true doctrine in Relief Society (the third hour when the women meet together). I'll probably skip Sunday school. I'm not going to make any of our children go rather I will invite them, let them choose. That idea feels RIGHT. And I think I might want to read my scriptures again-I got good feelings from them before. But I know I don't HAVE to read them. I can't fathom holding a calling (appointed job at church) nor do I feel motivated to pay tithing at this point. I don't even plan to go to church every week. I have started feeling able and ready to serve in ways that more directly affect my own family like team mom, library helper at the school. No more church checklists. Wow, I really didn't see this coming but I think it's good. Being cautious and thoughtful."

One of the comments after I posted this said, "I think you are just engaging in your own terms, heaven forbid. : )". And that is exactly it. I also feel free to disengage should I want to. I finally feel like I truly have agency. I'm no longer driven by fear nor do I feel trapped, forced. I feel smarter. I feel being able to remove the blinders has shown me how often I left my decisions to someone with "authority". I will stop there as I don't wish to offend. 

This spiritual journey is fluid and beautiful, so grateful to be alive.

 

You are you and I am me

The idea that everyone is unique and brings value is basic but rarely actualized.  Everyone is unique and brings value. I have been attending an acting training every Saturday morning and it has become my sanctuary. I have learned so much about how to treat people in the last six weeks. I am blown away by how much more beautiful the world can be when you change the filter. 

In the workshop, complete trust is required by all that participate or the exercises will fail. To be able to accomplish the work everyone has to feel safe. I don't even know these people and yet there is such a feeling of respect, a love for our discipline that spills out of us and spreads across the floor, soon we are all connected. We get into awkward positions, make strange noises and when we are finished are so satisfied. (Stop it.) What I really want to express is the feeling of worth that is endowed upon each person in that room. No two people think alike and it is such a beautiful thing that we so rarely get to see. It's unfortunate how much we seek to fit in and conform. How often are you applauded for making the most interesting shape with your body? How about encouraged to continue spewing stream-of-conscientiousness garble while others are trying to work? Or being complimented on how you helped provide different levels, that were so appealing to the audience, because at just the precise moment you crawled across the floor? To be unguarded and vulnerable is so rewarding. To know what you offer makes a difference and brings joy is priceless. Generosity and kindness are no respecter of persons in this class. It is truly an amazing experience.

However, we don't live in the world of Viewpoints. The world we live in is much less rosey and much more fifty different shades of grey. (What is wrong with you?) Wouldn't it be nice if we had the time to validate each person's feelings and then thoughtfully move on to an appropriate plan of action void of any negative residual? Or what if we were as invested in another's well being as much as our own? What if we truly saw each person's endeavors as worthwhile whether we agreed with them or not?

And onto the children. While driving back to Star last Saturday morning, I figured out what type of mom I want to be. I want to be the kind of mom that makes my kids feel good about themselves. I want them to remember me listening to them intently not halfheartedly. I want them to know I value them regardless of their choices.

That night I had a moment with one of the boys. I sat on his bed and got a run down of how the Lego car he had built came to fruition from the initial design thru all the revisions and why it is still so incredible that it can balance. I made funny faces with him. I tucked him in tight and gave him a kiss good night. Having made a connection with one of our kids, I went to bed accomplished. I really just want them to know Mom's arms are a safe place. And no matter what they are valued, especially when they are doing something unique.

What the what?!

This week we are the parents of an only child. Yes, we have only one child for the next 5 days. Wow, I don't know how to do this. Am I supposed to create fights with her to give her the comfort of consistency? Will she and I get to be more like friends as opposed to the parent- child relationship that it should be? (Her best friend is at her dad's house for the summer so I don't have as much competition.) Might we sit down and have a movie marathon? Stay up until 5am and sleep until 2pm? Have a spa day? Or will it be like any other week? Will I occupy my precious "free time" with deep cleaning or painting over the hand smeared, chipping, ten-year-old paint?

It really isn't possible for it to feel the same, to give her the same amount of neglect she is used to. Just the dynamics of the house are so different. Even the air smells better. There is no fighting, contention, Mom has virtually no stress. What is this?  

Kylie and I will be able to talk about the things that give her anxiety. How will she choose a college major? Why didn't she try to have more hobbies- something other than soccer? How will she be able to afford the trip to Tahoe she has planned with her best friend as soon as she turns 18? How will she afford gas and a sweet stereo system for her truck? How many hours will she be working this summer? She has always been so involved in her future planning. She is a practical person determined to succeed. I like that about her. She knows her limits- how much she can handle and still give her all. She's pretty amazing actually.

So thank you grandma for creating this scenario.

I still bask in the attention of both my parents on the rare occasions when I am the only child. To those of us with a few siblings- that time is so precious. How funny that even as a grown woman I lap up the praise, encouragement and unconditional love- the comfort they provide that simply can not be replicated.

Every child deserves to be doted on, regularly. I would love to give each of my children the opportunity to feel like the favorite. But that just isn't possible- or is it? Can't I find the time to give them a daily dose of "Mommy and Me" time? Yes, Yes I can. Now that my schedule is a little more free and they are home for summer I can take advantage of the extra hours. I can pull them aside, bend down to look them in the eyes and gaze into their souls. Hold them tight and whisper "I love the way you think. I am so glad you are a part of our family". I can snag one of them to return the Red Box with me and treat them to a turn-your-mouth-blue slurpee. I can take dinner, breakfast and dessert requests. I can wake them up with a tickle rather than an impatient series of escalating "GET UP!" shouts. I can tell them how proud I am to be their mother. It really is that simple.

This is pretty legit folks.

Growing pains

I love this-"If you are having a problem you can't seem to figure out, take yourself out of it. Give yourself the advice you would give a friend in the same situation." This logic is profound to me. It makes perfect sense. When we are in the thick of things our emotions tend to take over. A bird's eye view is much more informative then staring into fog. This rationale can get quick results-sometimes just taking a step back allows us to clearly see the answer. Kind of like when you can't find the left over lasagna but when you take a step back- there it is front and center. (I know- that was a stretch.) Truly, when we are wrestling with coworkers, parents, spouses and or children we can get a different perspective simply by putting some space between ourselves and our emotions.

There are times our friends ask "What should I do?". Sometimes the answer is so obvious to you- on the outside looking in- it's a wonder they can't see it. Sometimes you reply honestly "I don't know what I would do". Often our own problems fall into the latter category and they can't be figured out unless you really work at it. With the practice of removing ourselves from the crisis it becomes less life threatening.

I have been pondering the next step in my spiritual journey. If I am honest with myself, I know what I would tell her to do. But it's not that simple. I'm the leader, they listen to me when I say "Simon Says". I have come to the conclusion for now I have to wait. I have to sit tight, as uncomfortable as I am, and watch the snag in the sweater slowly unravel. Some things can't be rushed. Some things are meant to test our strength. Some things require time to manifest- like strains of a strange virus in a Petri dish.

Word

Mowing the lawn is one of my favorite chores. I don't even want to call it a chore it's more a privilege. I love the time to myself, my music, my thoughts uninterrupted- most of the time. It evokes some of my deepest emotions. It gets my brain going and I tap into the part of me I love most. It seems odd -it must correlate with the strenuous physical work. I always end up with blisters on my hands. We have one of the largest yards in the subdivision and our mower is not self-propelled. The upbeat music gets me moving and during water breaks I dance like nobody's watching which I sincerely hope is the case.

Today I thought how I feel a minuscule number of people I've met in the past ten years- since we've lived in Idaho-are aware of my abilities and talents. It seems all I've shown Idahoans is my CRAZY. The crazy I didn't even know was hiding inside of me. I've been all over the place. I've been trying to figure out where I fit, what it is I'm supposed to be doing, teaching these beautiful children and how to get to heaven. I've been so out of balance it is re.dic.u.lous. There are no limits just epiphanies. True for me, as I unveil my face I am permitted to see the girl in the mirror who LOVES life. I never have had body image issues-which is why it is difficult to be motivated to exercise. I have always been confident to a fault. I attribute those traits partially to my encouraging parents and the other part to me-of course. I am proud. I guess it's alright though because I have loyal friends who put up with me.

In California, at the tender age of 20, I figured out how to establish a theatre program out of nothing and completely on my own. The company has grown and is still going after 15 years. I directed a few shows through 3 pregnancies. I was amazing. I'm not trying to be conceited but by definition, I guess I am.

I'd forgotten what I could do, the things I love to do. Then I took action. I turned my back to the things that were taking up all my time and were reciprocating much less than was desirable. Guess what the result was? I'm loving life again. I have started to get paid for my writing, I have had an acting gig, I'm preparing contrasting monologues and have found a photographer to take my headshots. I need to update my resume- no hurry-I have time. I've picked up books-fiction and nonfiction alike. I am putting me first and ironically have so much more to give to my family. I never understood how that worked. My relationships with my children have become so cherished to me. I want to spend time with them and hear all about it, my patience has increased minutely (I can dream), I am learning who they are. I was so preoccupied with what I was being told to do, I couldn't even think beyond. My life was literally retarded. I stopped being me and put up a convincing facade. For what? I honestly gave it my all. And I've always known it is not the only way-its time to discover what way is my way. It's scary and unpopular and who knows I may end up 12 years later right where I began. It's time for me to see the world, study different cultures, experiment, explore, exist.

There have been numerous days in the last two weeks, I have called Troy just to report pure joy. I feel so free in making decisions all on my own. I know it must sound ludicrous to some but this is my reality. I am fully aware that not all religious persons are so zealous in keeping the commandments put forth by their ecclesiastical leaders. Personally I have a difficult time with that. I am black or white, all or nothing. Practicing only some of the suggestions coming from the pulpit doesn't make sense to me. It is hypocritical and irreverent. How can you outwardly manifest you believe something if your inner being isn't whole-heartedly behind your actions. Many people have successfully found peace in this type of lifestyle however, I am not one.

Where this journey will take me is unknown and I look forward to navigating the course. I'm excited. I have taken a huge risk, I changed something presently not working after surveying all aspects of my life. I am a doer.

Break.

Blazing the trail

I'm so glad that God doesn't build walls. He is always there to talk to and to listen to.  My heart has been filleted to increase the surface space so I can absorb the things He is trying to tell me. In the past two months, I have been intensely listening to know where to go. Daily I receive inspiration, images, impressions and the accompanying "aha" moments. It is spiritual and inspiring, freeing and challenging. Yesterday I saw myself in the rat race-rushing for deadlines, overworked, unhappy, too busy to enjoy life-then suddenly I stopped. I dropped what I was carrying, I took off my shoes and raised my hands and head up to the sky. Closing my eyes, I felt the sunshine envelop me while all the others around me kept running-heads down. I was like a stone in the river, as I stood my ground everyone, everything was diverted and I remained unmoved. I had let go of all the "shoulds" and "have tos" and it felt incredible. I'm not moving backwards. I'm also not running, racing to win. It is not a game I want to play. I want to be confident that the movement I make is deliberate and properly motivated. I want to take my time to educate myself.
One day at a time.

photo credit Ashton Cooper

Hello Beautiful

People have told me we have good kids, until recently I didn't believe that statement. Please feel free to judge me and them-that's what I like to do most.

I'm going to start with the things they don't do-they don't bully other kids, they don't always go to Sunday school, they don't always get good grades, they don't always get to school on time, they don't want to do what they are told, they don't always dress "appropriately", they don't do their chores without being yelled at, they don't always clear their dinner dishes, they don't always say please and thank you, they don't always flush the toliet, they don't always love each other, they don't always watch their language and they don't always screen their media.

And onto the things they do-they do love me when I don't deserve it, they do get out of bed and ready for school on time most days, they do thank me for cooking dinner-even if they don't eat it, they do ask for my suggestions, advice and opinions-whether they use it is beside the point, they do hang out with each other and try to accommodate one another's Netflix preferences, they do appreciate when we give them a lift and the clothing we provide, they do have worthwhile hobbies, they do try to do their own laundry, they do act crazy and fun together, they do surprise us and make us laugh, they do share their hearts and deepest thoughts with me, they do love the beach, they do try to please us, they do make us proud, they do have friends, they do look toward to the future, they do turn in their phones at night, they do rarely-randomly tell me I'm a good mom, they do give me coupons and breakfast in bed every Mother's Day, they do buy each other gifts for Christmas, they do help each other with homework, they do participate in family prayer and dinner, they do love to plan vacations, they do love having their own money and being independent whenever given the oppertunity.

The point of these lists is to show myself that I can and do love them unconditionally. For the last 15 years-give or take-I haven't allowed myself to accept them as perfectly imperfect-as they are. I have embraced a culture that I somehow twisted into a long string of "shoulds", "have tos" and a burden of expections.

Whether I placed this presumption on myself or not is irrelevant, it was my reality. I am learning the culture is different than the doctrine but if every church meeting you attend has the same feeling-those two things-culture and doctrine get blurred. It is similar to your mother's dog who reportedly only pisses in the house when you come over-provoked or not. If you only see the dog marking it's territory it is the reality to you her dog is ill-mannered and in need of obedience school. 

I felt judged to such a degree that I never saw the beauty within the people with whom I resided. I was always on edge feeling that my efforts were never enough, I should be working harder at creating a Christ centered home, at getting everyone to be missionaries at school and work, at making sure our appearance at church was that of standards (pressed shirts, combed hair), and on and on. But I couldn't ever make that happen, I was constantly failing. I know I am not alone in this self defeating cycle.

I was miserable and making my kids feel I never approved of them, they weren't enough. How is that beneficial to anyone? How does going to church bring joy? I was unable to find balance until I let go. Until I distanced myself to figure out what I truly value.

Could the church possibly be the source of all my angst and confusion about being a mother-the trapped feeling that I have been struggling with? I hadn't before given the thought room to grow I had always denied anything could be wrong with my faith. Maybe I'm the odd one out-I wouldn't be surprised.

2012

Patterns

Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?

Taking risks in life can give you heartache. I remember when we were losing our house in the spring of 2010-I couldn't put my finger on it but came to realize my heart was breaking. We had memories in that beautiful house we had built. We were leaving friends-schools-everything was about to change. We didn't have much of a choice just like in a relationship that is ending despite your efforts. Sometimes things don't work out how we want them to-no matter what.

However, what would life be like if we tried to make each day predictable-routine? What if when the carpet was worn and needed replacing we put the exact same in its place? What if we never tried a different paint color or style of underwear? What if we never questioned who we are-why we believe what we do? What if we were so afraid of heartache that we never put our heart out there?

I'm back at what seems the story of my life-questioning my beliefs-standards-rituals. (You must be thinking-damn this girl is crazy. Interestingly those who are closest to me-myself included-find that's what they love about me most.) I've taken this farther than ever before. Said that before. Not sure if I'm being pushed by pain or pulled by possibilities. Most likely a little of both-no matter-it threatens heartache. I feel trapped-by my faith and my responsibility as a parent whose children mimic my actions and also my beliefs. I've received heavenly guidance that I get to figure this one out-that I can take my time-that I have time. That last phrase you have time is so relevant to me because I am so deficient in the virtue of patience. I tend to want to sprint when I am competing in a marathon. 

Sometimes the God given gift of agency-choice-seems like a joke. Born into a religious family-by default you are a descendant of those traditions. Your only choice is to leave-but it isn't that easy. However, those born without a predominant religion may seek their own truth-eventually choosing for themselves alone-making a more educated decision-one that is personal-divine. Either way your heart must be there. 

If I had been told of the heartache of having so many children we may have been more trepidous in our decisions to have "one" more-in which Troy claims he had no choice-whatever. Of course we love them all and can't imagine life without any one of them-I take that back-I can imagine life with less children I just don't know who I would throw back.

It's funny how we make choices we think we can handle-like the before described parenthood. Or trying drugs just once-driving under the influence that's when you're the most attentive right?-having conversations with someone other than your spouse-working full time and being the mom-get married before you are even legal-going to school full time and being the mom. These are all things we think we can handle-some of us can and others won't figure it out without trying and failing. I know I tend to do what I want no matter what other people say-I have determination. That also gets me in a place where I need rescuing on occasion.

The trick is to find the humility to be saved-to admit I stepped over the line-broke through the boundaries-lost control a little. The other option is to keep pushing right on through-some may call it stubborn-this is what you have to do to be completely independent of anyone-you have to prove to yourself that you don't need anyone-then relationships and opportunities are lost. But that's the beauty of life everyone gets to choose and the consequences will come. 

"A man without a vision of his future, always returns to his past"

So I looked up at my all knowing shower head and proclaimed-today is the first day of the rest of my life. I didn't get a response-good thing time is on my side. I don't know where I want to go-what I want to be. Free-sucessful-happy. Now show me how to get there. I am looking-searching-praying.

I need to decide what is most worth fighting for and come up with a plan to obtain it. I will stumble and I may not ultimately reach it but I will have given away my heart trying and truly that is all any of us has to give.

Come On Guys, Really?

Everytime I hear a little dog barking I am reminded that getting rid of Roxie was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I've decided to go ahead and plant a garden. Yesterday I cleared the two boxes in the yard. Pulling weeds, tilling up the soil to reveal a rich brown dirt and raking to make it all level yields a beautiful result. I started the task and finished it in about 90 minutes, satisfied and sweaty. It's a little too early to plant here-there remains a chance of frost until mid-May. With the weather we've been having that seems impossible but we've learned the hard way and killed a few hearty plants. I wasn't going to bother with a garden this year being we're not sure when or if we're moving. But I've had it with the idea of-well I don't know what's going to happen so I'm not going to do anything.

It comes back to taking action when you are unhappy. Don't continue to live with frustration-in limbo. Don't hate the house and complain about it incessantly. Don't keep living with a void, a hole. Don't expect or hope for your circumstances to change-DO SOMETHING. Anything. Even if it doesn't work. All of the great thinkers, inventors, discoverers, humanitarians, leaders, performers-anyone you know and applaud-have failed numerous times. We typically don't think "I'm going to try this and I know it's not going to work but I'm going to try it anyway." But trying and failing is so much better than not trying at all.

Last summer Troy produced a concert. He'd never done anything like that before. It turned out great, he learned what worked and the things that absolutely did not. He has a dream of owning a concert venue-of working with singer/song writers, bringing acoustic sets to Boise. He knows without connections that will never happen, without investors it's not feasible.

It's a long way away but he's moving toward it. Yes, there are setbacks and disappointments but that is how we learn and he is resilient. He doesn't let the skeptism, and non believers steal his momentum. 

I feel like I'm repeating a previous post but this has been so relevant in my life and so many of my friends recently that I thought it was worth another mention. Everyone has a different answer to the question "What is stopping you?". I'm surprised that so many of us CHOOSE to sit complaceant, dormant or just plain miserable. What's the deal? Figure out what you want, think about how you can obtain it and then go for it-JUMP. When there is a lot at stake-it is then that it is the most important to act.

So many options

Toss Me That Wrench

It's always sobering to hear of a friend's misfortune. It can be heartbreaking. This past fall my dear friend Jenny woke up with paralysis from her waist up (including her lungs), my cousin's husband died in October and most recently a friend-our age-was diagnosed with breast cancer. I tend to think "That could've been me." It can humble us, help us be more thankful, show more gratitude for our blessings. Be kinder and more patient with the ones we love. My Dad always told me before heading off to another day of school, "You never know what's going to happen today.". I always thought of it as exciting-something extraordinary. Maybe someone would leave a flower on my car, or I would be pulled out of class to learn I had been nominated for some good student award. Maybe I would find a twenty dollar bill in the grass where we ate lunch, maybe my parents would have a winning scratcher.  The possibilities were endless. Even though it's more fun to imagine all the unexpected good things that can 

happen we can still come out on top when we are plagued with terrible news. Again it all comes back to perspective-most likely your situation could be worse. 

And over the years I have learned that when you no longer acknowledge your trial as such-it loses power over you. If you can accept whatever life hands you-you will be happy no matter what happens today. The beauty is we are all on the same playing field-no one knows.

She's ready for anything in this crazy git-up.

Just Ask

So running last night made my physically sick. Guess I shouldn't have pushed myself quite as hard. I tried to do some interval training between telephone poles-sprint then jog. I always imagine that I am stronger than I actually am. Whatever.

Being that I was wiped out by six-I snuggled on the couch until I could justify it was late enough to snuggle into my bed at eight. I went to bed early so my typical evening routine which includes cleaning up downstairs was obviously neglected. 

Naturally upon waking the next morning I was gifted with a mess-relatively small but there was a mess all the same. Of course I had to mention how ridiculous it is that I'm the only one who can ensure things get done before bed. In my mind it really wasn't a big deal and I kind of enjoy that kind of tidying up because the results are easy to come by. Since the work wasn't really the issue I had to take a step back and do a little digging to find the root of the problem. 

I had already gotten three of the five out the door and it seemed as though everyone was bent on having a terrible day. I always feel my blood pressure rise when the complaints begin:"I am so stressed out I have a presentation today.", "My knee is bothering me.","I can't find my shoes somebody moved them.", "Gavin ate the rest of the cereal and put the empty bag away". I guess it's the timing that gets to me. "I need new shoes these ones hurt my feet", is always heard as we are on our way out the door. As if I can do anything about it right now. 

When I can't resolve the problem immediately I get resentful and frustrated. For some reason I take it to heart and feel as though I'm failing because they aren't completely happy. My frustration turns to irritability and I snap back, "Why are you guys always complaining?". That does nothing good-it doesn't even make ME feel better temporarily I just feel inadequate. Essentially what happens-it gets added to the list of things to do-the list I can't possibly accomplish in this lifetime. I am the one who gets to carry all their problems-get dumped on. They don't give any thought to the combined weight of their issues on my shoulders. Of course they don't I'm the mom and they are the kids. It is my job to listen, take note and balance all their concerns big or small- important or not.

And I just really don't feel strong enough. That's when I pray for help. I pretty much have a prayer in my heart all day long. A stream-of-conscientiousness conversation with my Heavenly Father.

So our dark middle child sketched this in church in about 5 minutes but decided he didn't like how it turned out. We teased him about her hands and Kylie quickly quipped, "If you put her hands together it would look like Mom praying." We exchanged a knowing smile.

I Gotta Have It

Wow, what a difference a day makes-or a few months rather. I thought I'd prep my body to run with a friend in a couple of days. That was both good and bad. Now I know how old I am and how jiggly my theighs have become. Nice. Gone are the rock hard quads and if I really want them back -I'll have to work for them. But at least I now know where I stand. I even walked part of the route-lame. Walking is for sissies and old people-I'm neither, yet.

Even worse I spit on myself-twice. You can't say you've never done that before ladies. Admit it. We women weren't born with the innate knowledge of how to spit for distance. Spitting on yourself is definitely one of those truly embarrassing moments that actually become something to laugh about almost immediately-like when there is a hole in your cup and you dribble on your chin right on down your shirt.

I'm not a creature of habit but sometimes I pretend to be. Maybe I haven't found many things to motivate me to keep doing it religiously-although I can say we almost never miss a church service. It's not that it's always amazing I think it is more the fact that it would feel wrong to not go. Besides that is the first step in the slippery slope which always ends up changing you into a heathen.

My point is-washing the dishes before going up to bed, working out every day, choosing the hard boiled egg over the brownie are all great ideas. We theoretically can make the right choice but it just isn't that easy or natural for that matter. It does feel better to be eating right and exercising- my headaches and tummy aches miraculously disappear and energy takes their place. If you can master yourself and make good habits-hats off to you. Obviously if it wasn't difficult to do what we all know we aught to everyone would be toned, educated, wealthy and happy. 

Everyone else's problems are so easy to fix. She complains that she's getting fat but then proceeds to eat a baker's dozen. You just want to point out-well that's your problem.  But sometimes I wonder if we were void of all vices- if we were perfect and mastered would we be fulfilled? Sometimes being bad or just going against the grain is what keeps us sane and makes us feel alive.

What is the answer? Acknowledge your weaknesses but don't broadcast them and take baby steps. Give yourself goals and most important rewards otherwise you won't feel motivated to work so hard and you will be content with mediocrity. The truth is-our vices no matter how comforting-keep us from progressing in other areas. Opportunities pass us by, our focus isn't where it should be, in essence we stop growing. Or we can work harder than we thought possible-to overcome the demons we all have. What you choose is completely up to you and no matter what I will still love you.

I'm parked. What a rebel.

My current state of mind

Here I go again. I am craving drama. I am twidling my thumbs. Over six weeks ago we put a low ball offer on a short sale. We have yet to start negotiations. I feel like my hands are tied. I can't start boxing up the stuff worth moving and I don't have any desire to clean out the garden beds in fear that we won't be here to watch the tomatoes turn.

"Desperate housewives" is a completely appropriate description-desperate for love, attention, excitement, spontaneity, energy, desire, fulfillment. I am particularly desparate for the peace and quiet-the oppertunity to be alone. To figure out or find the woman I have inside me. Full time motherhood tends to lend itself to helping us forget our worth and what we really want out of this life we are stumbling through.

Wednesday mornings when I have no other place to be but home, with all children rushed off to another "torturous" day of school-my soul rejoices and I feel as though I might float straight up and leave hand prints on the ceiling. I dance my ass off and I feel amazing for a little over two hours. (A big shout out to Miss Carolyn.) I've thought about doing some housework in the buff but I'm sure that would scare my neighbors-but oh the freedom that would ignite-soaring on wings of Eagles.

After I threw a fit this week desparately seeking space from my daily duties -namely our inquisitive 3 year old-Troy declared Saturday as Stephanie's Day.  It didn't feel real until he assured me they would manage without me last night-Friday. I was left to plan my golden day of solitude, guilt free. 

Nowhere I wanted to go opened until 9am so I planned to sleep in. Then I would go to Khol's and spend the credit from my Christmas returns. I would leisurely shop with no complaints, whining, ticking of the clock, unruliness. I could glare at the other mothers who let their kids run around as if the store was a playground-if I was that kind of person. Ha.

I also wanted to spend a good portion at the "crazy store" where I have yet to take certain members of my family-they wouldn't appreciate it. If you need to know where this venue is or what it is -pm me.

And I definitely wanted to spend time at Barnes and Noble for three purposes-to finish the ebook I was reading Fatal Light, to write, and to peruse the books to see if anything fell off the shelf in some act of fate-granting me a new hobby. But this new hobby has such small parameters I don't know if it will find me. It has to be something I can become passionate about or at least like a lot, it can't cost a small investment, it can't be something that takes an hour to set up and/or put away. So basically I'm left with learning to knit a scarf-only that most definitely does not fulfill the first requirement. Sigh.

This morning of my glorious so dubbed Stephanie's Day (kind of catchy isn't it?),  right away Troy had a lot of juggling to do. Kylie had a chiropractic appointment down town (about 35 min away), he had to get his Grammy's beans to the church, and Ashton to his friend's parents' gym before they left without him. He also needed to get the beans to an acceptable temp so that the tasters could be served relatively warm not cold straight from the fridge and my crock pot was most definitely not going anywhere-tricky. I took the two drop offs but had to make the comment-"Being the Mom isn't easy is it?" He didn't like that and threw something back under his breath. With a peck and a sarcastic "Have a good day"-I was outy. It wasn't until the errands were complete and I was headed to Khol's, music blaring did my Colgate smile make an appearance. Then I almost couldn't wipe it off-almost. The whole day to do whatever I could think of. Well maybe not whatever but I was finally able to breathe and not out of frustration (a habit Louie has picked up-it's quite effective and pretty cute when she does it-(the breathing out of frustration part)).

It was so rewarding. I was ecstatic. No one interrupted my songs or my thoughts and I was in no hurry. I took some of the precious sunshine to ponder for a bit. I came to the realization that the reason I had to jab Troy about trying to do my job today is because I want him to recognize how much brain power, intuition, skill it takes to make our world turn. Not just him, I want all humanity to respect. I need someone to validate my occupation as worthy of doing. It is a beast to tackle everyday. It is mundane and not at all inspiring or motivational. Any of you spend forty hours a week on laundry alone? That's what I thought.

So I either need to find a hobby to enjoy or pull out the nanny hat and become the best damn employee Troy has ever had. Maybe both.

I have to give props to Troy, the man is amazing. When I called at about the time I said I'd be home to extend my alone time-he gave such an impressive report his exact words:

               "You get as long as you want. Come back at midnight if u want. I am just leaving to take Lou to library then go get ash. Danny and his bro are here playing with gav and d. Kylie is juggling in back yard."

Wow. I couldn't have done it better myself and he was probably more graceful than I. You know what this means-more Stephanie Days- I know they'll manage.

Ugh. Who takes their kids to the bookstore on a Saturday afternoon?  Just kidding. But seriously.